Thursday, September 24, 2009

Performance Anxiety

I know that the title I've used is typically used in a completely different setting, but lately that's how I've been feeling about blogging and even tweeting. I mean, when you happen to mention Thich Nhat Hanh in a retweet from @Disciplesworld and then get a follower with 25,000 followers who says "look forward to reading your tweets" - Y'know??

And it's not just my newest follower, although I must admit I knew right away that the Thich Nhat Hanh retweet is what drew that particular person to my profile. What if people from my church read my tweets or my Facebook status updates? I'm pretty safe with what I say on my blog which gets very few hits and even fewer comments. But then I re-post that every where...

I feel inadequate. Somehow I feel that those 140 characters now have to be fraught with meaning. Is a tweet saying "I'm sitting on the patio petting the bunny and talking to God" sufficiently existential or mindful or spiritual? Can I even think about tweeting something totally banal when I'm trying to live up to some standard or ideal I've made up for myself?

I think it always comes down to the same question for most people. Am I good enough? We state it differently for different situations. Will I get to keep my job or am I on the lay-off list? Will the cute boy in my class like me? Will I win the contest? Are my prayers sincere enough, strong enough, beautifully worded enough for God to pay attention? Am I working hard enough to bring new people into the church and take care of the ones who are already there? And is this what life is all about anyway? Performance? Size? Frequency of Success? Getting to the finish line?

The one thing I do know, when I stop to really consider it, is that I am good enough for God. I don't always remember to stop and consider. But when I do, I know. God loves me no matter what. God doesn't care whether my tweets and updates and blog entries are well written, meaningful and perfectly spiritual in nature. God just cares that I do the best I can with what I have.

So I guess I'll just write what I am called to write at any given moment. I won't worry so much about my audience, because my real audience has already approved what I say. I'll just write and post what I write, and if it pleases you that's a bonus.

1 comment:

Mary Jo Bradshaw said...

I always put a short quote in our Sunday bulletin, something to make people think. Sometime soon 'm using a quote from Maria Tafoya:

"The one thing I do know, when I stop to really consider it, is that I am good enough for God."

I'm glad you wrote this, and I'm glad I read it!